Relax everyone. Just relax. The Catholic Church has been doing some very, very deep thinking indeed and has finally reported back on its policy regarding gay priests. “At last!” I hear you cry. Indeed, I feel your pain, because I haven’t been able to function properly either, I’ve been that tense.
But now we can all breathe a huge sigh of relief because the verdict is out and, well, to quote Frank Carson, it’s a cracker. Are you ready? Take a sedative and make yourself comfortable as we run through the gist of it.
Contrary to popular conception, and demonstrating the Church’s ever-present ability to fly in the face of reality, homosexuality has been deemed a “tendency” rather than an uncontrollable orientation. This makes sense, because who hasn’t woken up one morning and thought: “You know, I’m sick of the other sex. I just don’t find women attractive anymore. What I fancy today is broad shoulders and a big hairy arse. But only for a while.”? Sure we’ve all done it.
Anyway, it seems that the path to priesthood is open to anyone. As long as they’re male and have either left all that man-fiddling behind or have never succumbed. Strange, because I was under the impression that priests take a vow of celibacy anyway. So what difference does it make about their prior sexuality – they’re not going to be getting any either way are they? Oh, but there’s a caveat: if you have ever succumbed to man filth, you must not have indulged for three years (the minimum time for sin to heal, I guess) before you can enter the Church. So that’s clear then. Homosexuality is a “grave sin, unforgivable under any circumstances” (because it says so in the Bible. Somewhere in the middle.), but as long as you put it (ahem) behind you and don’t touch any man parts (except your own, but only if you’re going to the toilet, or if you touch it by accident in the shower or something – never for self-beastliness) for three years, and then vow never to have any sex with anyone ever again, then you can, in theory, train to be a priest.
Oh, nearly forgot. It’s not just practising homosexuals that are contraband: “supporters of gay culture” are also barred. Whatever that entails. Watching Will & Grace? Buying the new Madonna album? Going to the theatre? Taking a keen interest in home furnishings? What on earth is that supposed to mean?
But don’t get the wrong idea. They wouldn’t want you to think that they were prejudiced, not in this day and age. Heaven forbid! So they’ve stressed that the Church has deep respect for homosexuals and they shouldn’t be discriminated against. You couldn’t make this shit up could you? They haven’t got anything against them, they just don’t want them near their Churches.
God welcomes all His children. (Except bummers.)
Meanwhile, speaking of children, another abuse scandal has broken out, this time in Brazil – home to the largest population of Catholics in the world. But I’m sure this will be brushed under the carpet, like all the others. After all, the Vatican is too busy wasting time creating risible policies that result only in its further alienation from the rest of the rational world, hastening its own well publicised demise.