Today is my birthday and I have a hangover the size of Dorset, owing to the amount of booze imbibed here last night. I feel shocking. I feel like a troupe of gypsies have set up camp in my head and they’re really making themselves at home. I feel like Lemmy from Motörhead has joined them, and he’s running around banging two steel pipes together, shouting “Arse spanners! Arse spanners! Arse spanners!” at the top of his hoarse voice. I feel. . . rough.
Meanwhile, the explosions at that oil depot in Hemel Hempstead this morning have dispersed toxic black smoke all over the south of England, throwing a blanket of black cloud across a wintery sky, which has given the afternoon something on an apocalyptic feel.
So this is what it feels like to be 31.
Anyway, I figured that some light blogging might perk me up a bit, but seeing as my brains have turned to damp tea bags, I’m in no condition to put any sort of opinion across. So instead here’s my first venture into meme territory (pinched from normblog).
1. My uncle once: lived in St. Albans. In fact, he still does.
2. Never in my life: have I eaten oysters. Or visited Paris.
3. When I was five: it was a very good year. . .
4. High School is: an Americanism that means very little to me.
5. My parents are: still young at heart.
6. I once met: James Nesbitt. And he’s a miserable fucker.
7. There’s this girl I know who: can’t eat seafood.
8. Once, at a bar: I drank far too much.
9. Last night: I mixed champagne, Kronenbourg Blanc and tequila. Now, I’m paying the price.
10. Next time I go to church: it will be against my will.
11. When I turn my head left, I see: my reflection in the window.
12. When I turn my head right, I see: my bed.
13. How many days until my birthday?: Zero.
14. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I’d be: dead by now.
15. By this time next year: I will be 32. Christ.
16. A better name for me would be: Warren.
17. I have a hard time understanding: anything right now.
18. If I ever go back to school I: will scream.
19. You know I like you if: I talk to you.
20. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: Citizeness Sane, because she always encourages me.
21. Take my advice: don’t listen to me.
22. My ideal breakfast is: a full English, of course. With coffee strong enough to stun an ox.
23. If you visit my hometown: you probably won’t want to stay.
24. Why won’t someone: stop the pain?
25. If you spend the night at my house: be aware that the bathroom door doesn’t shut properly.
26. I’d stop my wedding: if, erm. I don’t know. If the building was falling down?
27. The world could do without: religious conflict.
28. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: drink any more alcohol right now.
29. Paper clips are more useful than: you might realise.
30. If I do anything well, it is: still unknown to me.
31. And by the way: oh, never mind.
Well, that passed some time. But I’m not feeling any better. I’m now going to lie down on the sofa, under a blanket, and flick through the torrent of shit that passes for entertainment on Sky TV.